It often happens that a person marries and soon understands that the spouse or spouse begins to annoy him – of course, not constantly, but much more often than he expected. In fairy tales and love novels, life in marriage is easy and carefree, and happiness continues forever, without any effort. Why doesn’t happen in real life?
Rabbi Joseph Richards jokingly offered his vision of marital life: “People annoy us. Find the one who annoys you the least, and get married “.
A happy marriage gives a feeling of comfort and security, sex, communication, support and a sense of integrity. It is important not to fall into the trap, believing in the image of marriage, imposed by fairy tales, romantic films and love novels. Due to unrealistic expectations, we begin to feel deprived.
To evaluate all the good qualities of your spouse or spouse and learn to value marriage, you will have to go down from heaven to earth. Here is a scheme that will help change unrealistic ideas about marriage and strengthen relationships.
What is it worth expecting from life in marriage?
Unrealistic performances
- The transition to marital life will pass easily and painlessly.
- I will never be lonely again (lonely).
- I will never be bored again.
- We will never quarrel.
- He (she) will change over time, and exactly as I want.
- He (she) will always understand without words what I want and what I need.
- In marriage, everything should be divided equally.
- He (she) will fulfill household duties the way I want.
- Sex will always be magnificent.
Realistic representations
- Marriage means big changes in life. To get used to life together and the new role of the husband or wife, it will take time.
- One person will not be able to satisfy all your needs for communication. It is important to maintain friendly relations with others.
- You, not your spouse (a), are responsible for your hobbies and entertainment.
- In any close relationship, conflicts are inevitable. You can only learn to successfully allow them.
- “Get what you see”. You should not hope that you will be able to change old habits or the main features of the character of a spouse or spouse.
- Your spouse does not know how to read thoughts. If you want him or she understand something, tell me directly.
- It is important to be able to give and accept gratitude, and not try to share everything perfectly “honestly” to the smallest detail.
- Most likely, your spouse or
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spouse has their own habits and considerations about household duties. It’s better to just accept it.
- Good sex is important for marriage, but you should not expect something incredible during each intimacy. Much depends on the ability of the spouses to openly talk on this topic.
If you share any of the ideas listed in the unrealistic part of the table, you are not alone-such ideas are common. In my psychotherapeutic practice, I often see what harm they do to family life. I also see how much the relations between the spouses improve when they go down from heaven to earth, abandoning unrealistic expectations, and begin to relate to each other more tolerant.
The ideas that spouses should understand each other without words do particularly great harm. This often pours out in mutual misunderstanding and painful experiences.
For example, the wife thinks: “Why doesn’t he do what I would like (or does not understand my feelings). I should not explain to him, he must understand everything himself “. As a result, a woman, disappointed with the fact that the partner is not able to guess what she needs, breaks her discontent on him – for example, ignores or refuses sex.
Or a man who is angry with a partner begins to sulk on her and moves away. Resentment is accumulating and destroying relationships.
Directly telling the partner about our feelings, desires and needs, we improve mutual understanding and strengthen our connection
What will happen if the wife understands that the husband is unlikely to be able to read thoughts? “If I want him to understand what I think and feel and what I need, I will have to tell him,” she realizes and explains everything clearly, but at the same time softly.
Changing naive ideas about marriage to more realistic, we learn to be more tolerant of our companion (or companion) of life and make our marriage strong and happy.